TeeMs~Journal

my belly has started bloating….i can see a lump which wasnt there before….bought maternity dress and trousers at jaya jusco yesterday…along with a cute diesel sweater..it had 50% discount and being stingy with my clothes…this is my first apparel wear i used more than rm40 on…. its cute,sporty and trendy bling2 you know…but somehow i feel uncomfortable..like something on my mind is saying “fateema…youre going to be a mom…youre too old for something young like this”…what my husband has to say “ayang, youre not 50! youre only 24..it looks cute on you”..made me blush….since upper secondary school…i have been mature thinking compared to my peers…yes…i act childish….but when it comes to decisions and thinking…i can give an opinion someone twice the age of myself can give….and maybe compliments from friends the same age and way older than me on how mature i think and act with them…..i have begun to think and feel im near 40…..i sudden comment from my hubby made me realise im still very young…but somehow its funny….ive forgotten how to act like someone in their 20’s(which most of my friends tend to enjoy,sosialize,spend and worry less)…either im very adult one minute or im like a kid the next…i think its how someone is brought up…i was always bought up with…”ladies should act this way, muslims should hold responsibilites on society, you should think like this, theres no use to be trendy and fashionable”….since small i was always the ‘bigger person’ and was treated that way….never was the small one mainly coz im the eldest…=) so yes, how a person is bought up by their parents makes a big difference on how that person will act one day…my maturity may come from how my parents raised me and my childishness came from how taken care of i am and how much i want to have attention….and yes, being the adventurous and troublemaker type when i was small…this has been very stressful on me to swallow while growing up where ’should’ conquers ‘want’…and yes, i sometimes feel i want a break….live somewhere no one will judge me and i can do anything…

BUT this world isnt only about me… i dont have d right to complain…despite my ‘always have to shine and perform for my parents coz their eyes and honour is on me’ feeling…my family has always been there for me and taken care of me through all their hardships without me being much effected….maybe im a bit spoilt too….coz i dont have to face hardships that much….so fateema….you still havent lost anything coz both of your childish behavior mixed with maturity…you have won your hubby’s heart till the end…=D so i still won!

last but not least…happy ISLAMIC new year!its new year…yesterday shopping got me carried away…and sadly only had the chance to read the new year prayer after a rush to UPM mosque..i missed the last year prayer..huhu…later today im heading back to shah alam….my family are celebrating islamic new year with turkey…..like most of you know..half of my life was in england and sometimes…secretly…i feel im more british than malaysian coz there are uncountable times…i feel like an alien in my own country and with friends coz  while friends are talking bout their malaysian experience while growing up..im like “whats that?” and after being laughed at most of the time(friends can be mean to u if you think differently and have different experiences)..i seldom have guts to ask after that (bet no one knew that part of me…haha)…well…for my family….thanksgiving its a happy celebration… sadly, when we were in england… we didnt have much money to buy turkey, not saying finding halal turkey is also tough.. telan air liur jelah…so now… its our first islamic new year where we have money to get turkey (mahal tol..rm30 perkg) and all the family members are together..adding two more…my baby and hubby…..hehe….one happy family…..

well…thats all for now….hope u all had a happy holiday….=)

signing off……love,

fateema

dear blog,

reporting live from bandar baru bangi….its been a nice 1 week stay at my parents in laws house and a one week holiday from blogging…mainly coz all of my sisters in law are at home…wait…i have more sisters!didnt occur to me but just now…hehe…

my parents in law are nice people…being raised in a busy family where we have to be independent and always judged to perfection is a bit stressful sometimes..being able to feel taken care of once in a while is nice and and able 2 entertain what i like without being judged is also nice…

my own family are nice people too, we fight sometimes like kids but we are very intimate with each other and care for each other…my hubby is the only guy in his family..he doesnt tease his sisters and challenge their emotions..hehe… which is common in my havoc family(can imagine how tough my hubby is trying to get used to being around my wierd family)….:) but then eventhough i feel out of place sometimes over here..being somewhere where no one is to pull my strings and get me emo is sure nice once in a while ( which the first prize is given to my little bro whom my mom always backsup by saying he wants to ‘bermanja dgn kakak dia’huhuh.. ). …but wherever the swallow goes..she’ll soon come back to her nest….im missing shah alam too…my mom especially….she has such a sweet smile and laugh…

my whole family are in kelantan now…short holiday and my sis is on her semester break from U..theyre going to terengganu later and bragged going to get lobsters(which i feel they wont)…heard theyre going fishing….i used to feel challenged of fishing..but…im enough of having daily sickness….the thought of being somewhere unfamilier….near moving water or on a boat…..doesnt get my adrenaline pumping…just makes me feel sick…huhu…deeply…how much my sis brags of how spacious the car is without me..i know they MISS me being there with em cz im always the overexcited one amongst them over anything.. by the way theyre trying to make me jelouse on the phone(which im not) gives me that sudden hint they wish i was with them….family…family….i love em how terrible they make me feel sometimes…

last night…i saw a vid on youtube on 12 weeks pregnancy….its my last week on the 1st trimester….im suppose to feel better especially next week is my 2nd trimester where my belly starts getting bigger….but sadly..im not feeling better…im starting to miss my meggi pedas, coffee,ikan keli and everything else i loved but cant eat….i dont have any appetite…cant feel the beauty of cooking coz the smells kills me….cant eat rice yet….this morning felt like eating fried chicken my mom in law prepared..ate that and vormitted….i just can eat fruit…cake…bread…nuggets/dry meat…sweets…mee….oily/soya/milk products are such a no no…..cant wait for all this to go away soon….i really need the energy you know….ive lost 5kg throughout my 3 months pregnancy.. the vid i saw said what im going through is normal…its because of the harmones produced to flow a lot of blood to my baby is disturbing my digestive system…my body is working hard to supply goods to my baby that its not doing a good job supplying goods to me….so i will feel sleepy and unhealthy….the vid also said it will all go away soon….im praying for that day to come…just hope i dont get fat cz of my sudden peak of appetite….hehe…

well..thats all…my parents and sister in laws are out….so im waiting for my hubby to return from work…were going out this evening…donno where..jaya jusco perhaps… since married..im always up and about on weekends….so for kaki berjalan like me…dont forget to find a kaki berjalan husband too….~wink wink~..haha……xrugi…dapat exercise…..duit je mengalir…:P how i wish money grew on trees….

k…goodbye…5january09 i’ll get my dpli posting..really hope i get good news…amin…..just have to prepare my self with positive thoughts…wherever i get….that is the best for me…i believe in Allah and qada’ and qadar….hope everything will end up fine for me..

oh yes…last but nor least my congrats list:

1.to jasmine for doing well with the operation

2.to shakirah for her wedding today…may Allah bless you

3.to ying esha for getting in KPLI ..akhirnya…..know how much youve been waiting dear

4.to zeti n dila for getting into the deans list last semester

5.to myself……for completing the last 1st trimester….

=) happy moments to you all….taaaaa~

kecewa gak ngn kpm bila dengar ni….kpli dah dapat tempat 16b ni….bukan apa….nak carik rumah sewa lagi…nak beli barang2 lagi…nak packing lagi….nak pindah lagi…..harap2 cepatla….dulu ura2 16hb dec dapat tempat…cik abglak dah ambik cuti start 27hb…selama 5ari sebab budget nak pindah…tapi..nmpaknya..xjadi….huhu…

berita menakutkan yg berlaku ari sabtu lepas….fifi…my pet terrapin…ekornya tersekat disedup pump aquarium…mula2 nampak kelakar…geli ati tengok gelagar fifi…aku siap ketawa lagi n bagitau semua…tapi bila abah tanggalkan fifi dari pump tu…rasa nak pengsan pun ada….sah masa tu ingat fifi akan mati…sedih je ati…sebab usus dia terkeluar sekali dari lubang najis dia.seketul warna hitam….abg terus asingkan fifi masuk bekas lain…dia pun sedih sangat tengok…ingat nak pi vet…yelah….bukan senang nak jaga kura2 ni…lagi2 kura2 betina..asyik ada sejarah mati je…fifi je yg bertahan..malam tu me n hubby berdoa untuk kesihatan fifi…sedih je kami malam tu..muram…tiber2 bila turun….tengok2 usus fifi dah disedut balik dalam badan..alamdulillah…memang menakjubkan kuasa recovery yg Allah kurniakan pada haiwan…klau manusia…dah kena bedah dah tu….abah lak asyik bt lawak yg dia pi cucuk ngn screwdriver…satu malam masih dalam ketakutann kerisauan…dah 2 ari lepas peristiwa tu…baru rasa ok sket….huhu…memg rasa bersalah sangat ketawakan fifi yg dalam kesakitan….lepas ni…aku nekad xkan ketawakan apa2 yg mgkin bawa kemudaratan…yela…walau kita x sedar yg benda bernyawa tu dalm kesakitan…mana tau lepas ni menyesal xsudah…

you know… i used thousands of cash to get my face as clear from acne before marriage..now its all coming back…i have pimple scars and new fresh pimples coming up…i read on the internet…its normal for pregnant women coz thier skin get a bit oily….but then… my confidence still hasnt faded…coz my hubby still thinks im cute as before and that’s what matters to me most to me…..=) its great to be adored….haha

im having sudden cramps in my pelvic area..maybe a signal that my baby is feeling a bit tight up in there…so i always change my body posture to suite his needs…my hubby still cant hear his heartbeat…wonder when he will?…i get sudden gastrics early in the morning..around 5am…and IM DEAD HUNGRY…that’s a signal that i wont be able to get back to sleep and ehem…so will my hubby..haha…..nasib baik dia penyabar…not like me =P

nowadays…. im learning slowly to become a better wife…not because my hubby demands to…he’s a good husband and will never force me..but because i wanto prove to myself i can be a better wife….my hubby loves to berkepit macam belangkas 24hrs…so before this i was wondering how on earth to prepare him breakfast if he wants me in his sight always….coz of his ‘berkepit’ nature…he wakes up late….and doesnt want me to wakup earlier than him…after giving a thought…when he was in the shower…i rushed down and made toast for him…considering he doesnt have time to have breakfast and always rushing out to the car…i have to bring his breakfast upstairs and feed him while he’s getting dressed…(paradise for guys..haha…)now i do that everyday cz he craves my honey butter toast and loves the attention….but another dilemma is keeping me worried…how on earth am i going to prepare breakfast when i have started working?whatever it is….my hubby has to sacrifice his ‘belangkas’ nature or sacrifice his breakfast….we will wait until that day comes…

my friends sorang2 yg kawin…this december…my friends shakirah and aizat are getting wed…congrats to you both….hope u all the best in your marriage life =)

im writing this base on conversation in these few days with friends who are having problems finding a guy ….y isit like that?adakah kawan2 aku tu sendiri yg memilih sangat? atau drg x reti bercinta n mencari?atau lelaki berkualiti semakin pupus?ataupun drg dah tawar ati sampai peluang yg datang xdiperasan???…huhu..banyak tol andaian….entahla…ada gak laki yg aku kenal …single…baik…tapi…susahlah…semua taste org berlainan….

memang senang nak kata “sabarlah…jodoh xder lagi”…tapi..aku faham keperitan kawan2 aku yg single..mencari…semua dalam lingkungan umur 24 ke atas n aku yakin drg dalam dilemma skang…aku faham sebab time aku clash ngan hubby selama 5 bulan masa couple…memang susah nak cari laki yg ikut taste….walaupun ada yg kata aku cute/ada rupa…tapi…rupa x menjamin dapat laki yg baik n ptg ikut citarasa kita…klau terjamin ngn rupa…napa aku payah benar cari laki ikut taste time clash dulu?….jumpa macam2 perangai..kelakar tol…last2 aku try an error couple ngan hubby n cinta bertaut kembali sehingga melangkah ke jinjang pelamin…..adakah itu kehidupan??? kehidupan memang unique dan kadang2 xadil….ada ppuan yg rupawan,sopan tapi masih single n ada ppun yg xder rupa,kasar,garang…tapi jodoh drg cepat je… napa ek?

ada yg kata ppuan yg rupawan lelaki x berani dekat…ada yg kata taste ppuan cantik tinggi…tol ke?? ke..xramai lelaki yg berkualiti?…hm…rasa xramai lelaki yg bkualiti…..apa ppuan biasa cari dalam lelaki?

bawah adalah apa ppuan lihat dalam lelaki…

1.pendidikan…..xkanlah kita nak kawin ngan lelaki yg kurang pandai kan? tapi x semua ppuan kisah sal ni….kawan2 degree aku ada yg xkisah pun couple ngan polis, dak diploma atau bukak business semata2 selepas spm…walaubagaimanapun…secara general..this is not a good decision…coz…lelaki ada ego….n biasanya…bila ppuan lagi hebat masa berkahwin(gaji/kepandaian)…sama ada lelaki akan dengki..atau ppuan akan penat dengan tanggungjwb lebih…ppuan mana suka duit dia je yg keluar utk bayar bil2 kan?hehe….

2. rupa… ada ppuan yg xmemilih cam adik aku maryam…dia tengok yg 1st tu je”pandai”…ada ppuan yg memilih cam aku ni…aku mula2 xkisah pun sapa nak couple ngan aku..tinggi..rendah…apa2 jela…sampai adik aku gelar aku sebagai playgirl satu ketika dulu…tapi..niat aku sebab nak cari yg sesuai utk dibuat suami…jiwa n mata pun sedap memandang….bila aku dah pandai berfikir n menilai…aku sedar..aku impikan lelaki tegap..tinggi..fit..gelap..seyum manis…n yg penting ada lesung pipit….kadang2 rasa cam “an impossible dream” n akan ketawa srg2….mana nak cari lelaki gitu?…but look at my hubby!!semua kriteria ada..tak disangka akan berjumpa time matrix…..so friends…dreams do come true….=) always believe in Allah’s miracles tau..

3.latar belakang keluarga..ada ppuan yg tengok ni….yelah…selalu gak dengar..jgn cr laki yg kena tanggung family…jangan cari laki yg family ekonomi level lagi rendah dari family kita…jangan cari laki yg ayahnya ada lebih dari srg isteri…jg cari lelaki yg dah ada bini…bukan apa…semua ni kena berjaga2….untuk kesenangan ppuan kelak…yelah…gaji isteri n suami bila tambah pun susah nak hidup..ni pulak banyak duit kena bagi kat family belah lelaki…alhamdulillah…ada ppuan yg penyabar…tapi gerenti akan terdetik kurang senang dalam ati iteri…yelah…bila duit suami habis…sapa nak bayar bil2?mesti duit isteri yg keluar lagi…tol x?:P

4.harta>ni aku xpandang sangat…klau nak kata harta…aku lagi byk harta dari suami…sebab parents aku business parents yg tlg bangunkan anak pada usia muda….tp ada ppuan yg pandang ni….some women are materialistic..ada yg sanggup kawin suami org sbb nak terus hidup stabil..in general…men…jgn cari ppuan gini…botak kepala korang nak penuhi nafsu shopping dia…hehe…klau dah memang dasar kaya…sila..sila..duit korang…dah klau byk sangat duit…baik krg derma…dapat pekdah n pahala…

5.AGAMA….ni aku sengaja capitalkan…agama ni sangat ptg tau….biasanya ppuan xsedar bila pilih laki….lelaki mesti ada basic agama yg kukuh klau kita nak hidup sebagai muslimah…yelah…camner kita nak cium syurga klau suami kita xajar syariah,akidah n semua pasal islam?klau dah tau…xper..tp camner klau kita lemah agama? walau xnak kata laki tu kena perfect…tapi yg ptg…boleh baca alquran…solat 5 waktu sehari semalam…puasa penuh…tau hukum2…ada niat nak perbaiki iman sendiri….so laki…cepat2…start baca surah yasin…sot jgn tinggal…puasa mesti penuh….klau xdapat nak didik diri sendiri..camner harap isteri n anak2 nak ikut…tol x?

6.SIKAP>and last….perangai tu penting…biarlah saling lengkap melengkapi…klau laki pandai masak..rajin..penyayang….penyabar…ni semua additional features yg ppuan suka……betul…xtipu…..

oh~oh~….suami dah call….dia dah nak sampai rumah…hehe..dia tegur coz aku ni x habis2 asyik blog…dah kegemaran isteri…dia tau aku ni memang suka melukis n menulis sejak sebelum kawin…hehe…so sabar ye sayang…(padahal aku tau dia suka sibuk2 baca diary aku kat rumah tu…haha…klau aku xtulis..mesti dia suh aku tulis…)

oklah…nak keluar dah…nak balik sambut suami….nak pi pasar malam putra heights beli satey sedap malam ni…yea yea,….lapa gak ni…:P dah makanan lnch yg aku bawak asyik kena curi je kat opis ni….

ni gambar keadaan anak aku…dah minggu ke10 dah ni…..harap baby cepat mbesar ye…mama dah xtahan muntah2 ni….hehe

for jawa’s out there(im half javanese)….this is a dish that i crave…im eating some now…taken from my cousin fahmi’s wedding in perak which i couldnt go cz of sickness…. wat is sambal goreng made of? su’un mee…fried potatoe chopped up…meat/prawn….petai….chili…tempe…all mixed 2gether cooked wit soya sauce….yum2….it seems since my hubby got maried to me…he has experience so many new foods and lifestyles..yep,being married to a wife who has been raised in half in england and malaysia including having perak javanese and kelantanese blood has bought a lot of new colours and stories into his life
OOoOO~..im having nausea again now …despite i couldnt eat oily food but my crave made me eat sambal goreng!!huhu…now i have a headache and an upset stomache…baby…please…dont make mama vormit today…..its very very tiring….

speakin of my baby..last sunday went to the clinic for scanning at clinic syifa sek3…the dr. was friendly…i liked this dr. compared to the dr. who last scanned me at sek.4 bangi clinic…she was like “o o…i can see your baby!! you see there..thump thump…that’s the heart!!” kecoh tol dr.anis ni…tu yg jadi seronok….i saw my baby!!!well…it wasnt that 100% clear ..but i could see the head, body,little feet and hands….and his pumping heart!!(idont know its a girl or boy yet..but im assuming its a boy)..my hubby was excitedly recorded the monitor showing the moving baby..he’s exactly 2.6cm…due on 8th of july09…the ultrasound machine calculated that date….he has a big head so i assume he follows my hubby’s genes…my head is small for those who doesnt know…hehe…. the cute thing was…when the dr. captured the image..he turned round facing the screen showing his cute hands and feet…that’s when i made up his new name “baby bear” coz he looksjust like a teddy bear…

yesterday was raya….it was raining heavily in Bangi…me and hubby celebrated raya haji alone together…after the haji solah, we wondered for breakfast at all the kedai mamak and bakery’s..kecewanya…semua tutup…wawawa…so we stopped to buy rendang and lemang…my breakfast was boiled egg at home…then lunch my hubby cooked fried bihun for me…i was suprised at how easy it was for him to agree on cooking…i gave him the recepi and while piching my nose..helped him too once in a while…we finished the bihun…i ate a lot showing how much i appreiciated him by giving so many compliments and praises…hehe…he was happy too i was full…after eating..layan Zorro on astro sampai terlelap 2 jam…on a full stomache..we slept soundly in each others arms…nasib baik i woke up at 6.45pm and woke im up for asar solah….we cleaned the house and left for shah alam..a few minutes my mom came home from perak and my hubby hapily ate sup gearbox that she brought home for dinner….and me? my sambal goreng..

other than that, i got a message from my dear lost friend…you know…my friend isnt perfect compared to my other friends…she has her weakness and ups and downs of life…but i dont know…i really like her coz of the warmness she showed me once ago…how much she trust me with her secrets and showed me what fun is…somehow…my life has made her ashamed of contacting me after matriculation…is my life that perfect? i asked my hubby..and he answered on the spot “no….i dont think so”..life is a roller coaster..you learn new things..some friends are happy for you when youre happy…but it seems my intimate friends are driven away by this….i didnt know friends can feel this way….i feel bad that the friends i truely love feel down to earth….to my special friend..please dont compare our lives..if you really envy my life…lets b friends again..and let me be that shoulder for you to lean on again and hear ur problems…ill share my life and maybe….you will also get some the same oppertunities that i get eventually…..

you know… in islam you have to believe in qada’ and qadar? i am not a person who has strong islamic knowledge considering i was raised in england during my childhood, my mother was the one who taught me to read the quran and didnt go to agama school like my friends in Malaysia…i still read my quran wrongly when it comes to hukum tajwid….its strange you know…i try and try to gain reward(pahala) by reading the quran, doing solah sunnah coz i wanto become a better muslimah….and sometimes… im suprised when i know how much i dont know about islamic teaching..being in Malaysia has taught me alot…but then…im really suprised that those who has much more islamic knowledge than me dont try and gain pahala…..they know but they dont care….

well..im glad my hubby went to agama school coz he’s the one correcting my quran reading and grammer….so i have to send my children to agama school considering how much i have lost…schooling in england wasnt a lost though…im a good thinker, full of ideas, creative, and am kind of a bright person all thanks to the british education….
over there it isnt like Malaysia…there are no exams…we play and play while learning…we learn about the world at a very young age…the teachers put trust in us at a very young age to build independancy…i remember a very memoriable experience….liverpool museam is large and interesting place for me…the teachers gave us a piece of paper with pictures of world civilization/insect, just everything you learn on discovery channel and can be found in the museam…we got into groups of three and had a fantastic time on our own guessing and searching for these pictures all over the museam and writing the descriptions…its a great reward to be trusted on our own….another experience was where the teacher gave us a map, checkpoints and we explored the woods on our own..i was just 10 at that time!….no supervision! imagine that….

Malaysian education which is full of exams is also very protective and serious…i and siblings had a hard time adjusting to Malaysia…Malaysia education is just too fast…when i came to Malaysia…i still didnt know how to multiply large numbers when my friends already knew(not to say that my malay was terrible then!!haha…my first word that i learnt was ‘awas’ which i read on a poster at school..hehe)….but in terms of creativeness and D.I.Y(do it yourself).. we succeeded with flying colours….now…my brain has been adjusted to Malaysian level of thinking…and its also a weakness eventhough i have excelled my studies with flying colours….i am not as adventurous and brave as before and i become a person who loves to be in the comfort zone just because im afraid someone will say what im doing is wrong and wasting time…why? mainly Malaysians tend to be judgemental because of our closed up culture…

well…im not saying being too opened is good…it has its limitations…why cant Malaysians be opened to knowledge…while following islamic and moral values?y cant we learn what we are interested in? if malaysia wasnt so diversified in subjects….then malaysia would have great mathematicians/historicians/scientist too……other than that…muslims can succeed like muslims like the great mathematician al-khawarizmi and all the great muslims who were thirsty for knowledge centuries ago (a christian friend told me…”im confused..in our bible…these people are christians and in Malaysia,it  teaches they are muslims”… :P well my friend….it’s simple.. its what the latter that counts…they ‘were’ christians…they died as muslims)…

did you now?…in some muslim countrys…if a students die’s during school after being taught by a strict teacher…the parents would hug the teachers coz their child die as a syahid?in Malaysia… dont count on that…just the issue of parents sueing teacher’s during teaching is the parents and child own lost…

what i see and hear…the teacher’s nowadays just look away when a child has terrible displin problems…”malas nak layan”..mainly this is y because psychiatric centres are full with teachers….the easiest would have to get problematic students expelled…it isnt a priority anymore if a child grows up to be a human or animal…it isnt because the teachers ”dont care”…but what is the use of caring when you will end up being sued , name in papers and live life in misery after that???…a displin teacher told me sadly bout a student who everyday comes into the displin room and the parent scolded him for excusing thier child…come on!why would a nice/good student be sent to see the displin teacher if they didnt have disciplin problems????..a few teachers taught me during my practical….”dont touch a student if you dont want to get into trouble….nowadays…teachers are victimised just because we care about our students….your source of income is the most important!”…just imagine that :P hehe….dont u see something wrong here folks??

what was my title again? oh~has life been planned by Him?i just have little time to write…so let me go straight to the point….ive always had this question “why does everything i plan…. will eventually happen?…it will have its ups and downs first..i wont get everything i want…but the things i plan bout my life seems to happen one day….did Allah plan out for me to think and plan out this way?or did Allah make my prayers come true?”…its funny…but amazing how life is different for everyone when we might have the same father, mother, grew up the same way, maybe a twin…..twins also have different lives….different people they are attracted to…different people who are attracted to them…different personalities….Allah is sure great…there are trillions and trillions of humans on earth and he can make each every person different and special in a way…..and we humans cant even make a robot who acts/thinks like a human…. just so amazing :P dont you think?

k….im continueing my second software system for Selangor Zone 2….had enough time spent here…..heeeee…..nasib baik lunch break…this saturday going for scanning…im 9weeks now….hope my baby stays healthy…im sure having a time trying to swallow 6 types of tablets morning and night….not forgetting my frequent evening sickness…..haha
well…taker… see ya when i see ya…(got this from the rachel ray show)

=)

luv,

fateema

suddenly i feel like writing bout the people i hate along my discoveries of life….mainly because a sudden incident made me remember that my second semester in UPSI was dread….not only i was a stranger in my class were everyone knew each other and i didnt…met groupmates who talks big about how great they are in teamwork when last minute they just burden me with thier part of the work(this is the real reason i hate group work)…and i had more than 4 lecturers who gave so much extra hard work(extra work means extra stress, burden and less fun), less explanation to excel and to top it up…verryyy stingy with marks….never got the slighest A- with these people….it isnt fair coz some friends tend to smile happily with A’s when they just do the minimal requirement for a subject…..life is soooo unfair sometimes….huhuhuhuh =( i can complain and complain if i want to but lets just stop here and i will continue my sayings n general…..
what is your first impression wen u met me for the first time? some say im fun to be with..some say i act like a big sister,protective and loving….some say i look snobbish…some say im friendly….some say i look like a goody two shoes… well..whatever it is…im not a 100% pure angel…you can bet on that
do you 100% know yourelf??i also dont really know what i can be..who i really am..it’s just wat i know bout myself comes from what people around me says about myself….what im sure is that i love to be carefree..im originally quiet with people..but if i trust/love someone…im always happy/talkative with them…im happy wth a lot of attention…if someone bugs me…i can put on a terrible face without knowing it…but one i found out recently after chatting with my hubby…i really dont know how to defend myself and i too sympathize people to get at anyone…and this becomes the reason why i start feeling hatred towards a person..in other words..i wont forgive that person…haha..now dont say you dont even have a tiniest/slightest grudge on anyone in your life? let’s say… no one is perfect…and no one is an angel for sure….

what about my friends??i have thousands of friends…all from all types of levels…some i adore…some are just ‘hi’ friends..some im not that close but i appreciate them…some has made me hurt…eventhough i dont contact them..deeply..i love them so much that it still hurts….some friends i wish i can still be i contact…some are in contact and i wish we all could be together like before…some i love..but maybe they have forgotten me….some i despise, but not that much so i still like being friends with them…some i am envy of them(which i dont know why)…but i never make a friend fall eventhough they have done the most terribble thing to me..make me mentalized by backstabbing and talking behind my back…and that’s the most worst thing about being not able to defend yourself…when im attacked..i somehow  shutdown…or i just explode…and both isnt smart and wise enough to win a battle…so in the end..i lose….(in Allah’s eyes…i know i won though)
sometimes i ponder…i have so many friends…why do i still feel bad bout a few rotten apples?? …i know…its so naive and easy to say “just forgive and forget”…when it’s the hardest thing to do….the hatred when i accidently remember them reminds me the moments when i felt weak, helpless,stressed and emotionally disturbed…i hate them!!!! aaahhh!!and this hatred will be carried in me forever..dont get me wrong.. i forgive and ask for fogiveness easily…but only when a person says sorry from the heart about what they did….if they dont..then that’s when i start hating them…the longer..the more deeper….(scary huh?)…..what if i never met these type of people in the first place?would it be good for my soul? or would my soul be lack of experience?whatever it is…i pick the first one… hating someone or being attacked by someone you know emotionally, humuliating you or making you feel terrible is not good for a healthy development…am i right or am i right? and these people i hate has never once..repeat..never said they were sorry for what they did….(forward messages of sorry on hari raya doesnt count…so *a***, i havent forgiven you…)

i seldom hate a person, normally..i just hate wat they did or their attitude/guts…but when that person i trust makes my other friends turn thier backs on me/make others stereotype me for something bad…then i hate that person….normally…i would forgive if that person said sorry, made everything right and they looked like they meant it…but humans…huh!…(you know what i mean)

do you feel something like what i feel? or you just havent thought about it that much?right now…i might feel im the only person like this….but i know…..God made humans alike somehow eventhough we look different….some might be worst..(i heard someone say to me “i dont know her but i already hate her and im goin to make her feel terrible”…these people scare me)…some might be more nicer to forgive without any sorry’s(these people are rare)…and some might even never met anyone bad in thier entire life(yipes!!these ar the few lucky ones)….

but whatever group we are….just remember a saying…”those who force a burden other people with unkindness, Allah will do the same to you one day”…

friends who i still love…thanks for still remembering me…maybe meeting bad apples has one positive side..and that is i appreciate my friends more…

love u all….xoxoxoxox
luv,

fateema dzulkifli

just as i thought i was one of those lucky women out there who dont have morning sickness…Im sure wrong !!yesterday was the worst ever….around evening..i started having headaches…frequent trips to the loo…my tummy was upset…my throat was swallowing every inch of sanity i had to prevent nausea…then…..i couldnt take it anymore…out i go…to the toilet throwing up several time until my eyes become watery and red…my face puffed up…and indeed… i wasnt smiling!

after that…i had a hard time trying to pull myself together….everything bout my body was wrong…i was terribly hungry but didnt want to eat anything…nothing was right…every position i sat or stood or layed back…made me sick….so i decided to go home around 6pm…on the way to the car…i vormit but nothing came out…it was sooooo terrifying…in the car… tried to calm myself…i couldnt vormit here!!i wasnt going to wash anything up!!back at home…wanted to cook rice…but when i went to the kitchen…again.. vormitted…it’s just very exhausting….so i scrambled upstairs to my bedroom with every little energy i got and lay down…i slept instantly…my body was as heavy as a rock….i smsed my hubby to cook rice when he came back home..it was very touching how he came to see me..he covered me with a blanket and put a pillow in my arms before kissing me goodbye and head downstairs…

alhamdulillah…thank goodness…my brother woke me up for dinner..when i went downstairs still feeling heavy but a little better..i was kinda astonished hearing my bro and hubby chatterinin the kitchen….it looked like my brother and hubby cooked for themselves that night…my mum and dad were out of town….i was so suprised that the men went into the kitchen and they cooked a decent meal too!…not frying ayamas drummet/nuggets/or even crabsticks like i thought they would…they cooked fried chicken soya suace and egg omellete(eventhough there was no vege, but for starters…it exceeded my expectation in them)….***** 5 Stars for them!! hooray!love both of them so much!

now…i feel better…today…i brought toasted bread and an apple for lunch(which is nicked by my bro if im not too carefull..he just loves taking my food)..sometimes i feel nausea for a few seconds..but can control it….very glad my body is working along fine today…hope it stays this way….the feeling yesterday was so teribble…had you experience somethin similar? maybe a family member or friend? whatever it is…it is something new for me…it will be a great story to tell my child when he/she is big enough to hear..then they will remember when they have a child of their own, wouldnt they?

so the story stops here….im going to continue my work…hope i finish it quickly…..take care you all…enjoy your life while you stil have it =D

luv,

fateema